Finding Confidence

My children have given me the greatest gift (other than their existence of course), and that is the gift of confidence and self-discovery.  I’m not sure why, but I am more confident now than I ever have been before.  And really, it’s not even logical.  I know that I am far from a perfect mother.  I make mistakes daily…probably hourly.  And yet, I have never been more certain of myself.

Growing up I was never really confident.  Sure I pretended to be.  I think I had people pretty convinced that I was…or maybe I just thought that I was convincing them.  I never felt like I was smart enough, pretty enough, skinny enough, athletic enough, talented enough.  I just wasn’t “enough”.  And please don’t get me wrong.  It wasn’t other people that made me feel this way…it was just me.  I made myself feel inadequate.  I made myself believe that other people saw me that way too. 

I can remember coming home on report card day with all A’s maybe an A minus or an occasional B.  My parents were always happy with this and even rewarded my siblings and me for good grades.  It was never good enough for me though.  I would get out my highlighter and mark all of the subjects that I felt needed improvement.  Goal oriented or insane…you decide.

In college, whenever I would go out with my friends and have a good time, I would wake up the next morning feeling guilty.  I still don’t really understand why.  We never did anything wrong.  I mean sure, maybe we had a few too many drinks and talked too much maybe danced too much…but it’s not like we were out of control.  So why did I beat myself up for this?  Excellent question…and one that I still don’t have the answer for.  And truth be told…it’s also still one of my hang-ups.  Even to this day, I get a guilty complex for having fun.  So maybe I’m not totally cured. 

I spent a lot of years beating myself up and still do it to some extent now.  But I’ve found that more than anything, I can acknowledge when I am doing it.  I also care a lot less what people think about me.  That’s not to say that I don’t care at all…I am human.  But, I try to care in a healthier manner.  I want to always put my best self out there.  But, if I stumble and show my less than perfect side, well that’s ok too.  I believe in the choices that I make for me and my family, and am more comfortable with people questioning those choices. 

I think maybe the reason that I have been able to make this change is because of a shift in priorities.  I no longer put myself first, and therefore my deemed self-worth is not based in how “perfect” I am.  I don’t have time to obsess over what I’m doing right and wrong.  My main focus now is my boys.  I know without a doubt that I am the best mother that I can be.  Yes, I work outside of the home, and I go to the gym, and I am involved in other activities, and I go out with my husband and my girlfriends.  I will not claim that I give 100% of my time to my children.  But they, along with my husband, do get 100% of “me”.

Somehow, in knowing that I am a great mom, I have convinced myself that I am a good and worthy person too.  I still have my hang-ups, and every now and then treat myself to a lovely guilt trip.  But, all in all, I feel like I am so much more balanced than I ever was before my children.  It hardly seems possible to be more in balance when I am juggling so much more, but there you have it…finding logic in the illogical.